Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
