Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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