and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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