Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
