Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
