plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize