I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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