What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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