so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
