I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
