I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
