Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
