Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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