Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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