you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
