his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
