There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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