i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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