It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
