seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
