Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
