who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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