I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
