I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize