mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
