got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
