They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
