i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
