So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
