yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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