what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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