Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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