I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize