i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
