i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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