Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
