Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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