dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize