Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
