This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
