Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
