The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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