im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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