so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
