apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
