Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
