Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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