i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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