Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
