oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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