Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
