Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
