I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
