My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
