Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
