can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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