I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize