Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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