some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
