I wish my penis had an off switch
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize