so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
