im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
